I Choose the Bear – The Epidemic of Male Violence Towards Women

Trigger Warning – This post discusses sexual assault and rape. If you or anyone you know has experienced the above, please visit: https://thesurvivorstrust.org/

You know, I’ve always been somewhat charmed by bears.

From the age of 2, my bed was hidden beneath mountains of teddy bears. To this day, I can still name them all from memory… and still have a fair few on my bed as an adult.

But when I say, I’d choose the bear, over being trapped with a man, I’m not imagining a little beige, scruffy toy. Most women would agree with me here. If given the choice between a man, or a grizzly bear, we’d be running straight to the bear.

It’s concerning to me that we’d choose a notoriously violent animal, over, well… Another notoriously violent animal?

A question has been significantly discussed on social media: Picture yourself alone and unarmed in the woods. Would you rather encounter a bear or a man?

And let’s just say, I quite literally haven’t found a single woman who chooses a man.

Many men seem baffled by this ideology, further showing how little they understand the experiences of women globally. The fear that women feel when walking home alone with their keys in between their fingers. And no, we aren’t doing that to cosplay Wolverine.

And can you blame us?

We live in constant fear. Fear that we’ll get catcalled, stabbed or raped, just whilst walking down the street.

Amanda, a lady hiking in Montana, became up close and personal with a bear, fearing for her life as she filmed her potential ‘last moments’. Despite this, she would still rather be stuck with said bear, than a man.

Does that not tell you everything you need to know?

The bear is an unpredictable creature, yes. Encountering one in the wild is terrifying, for sure. Despite this, bears act on instinct and survival. Their aggression is not personal, nor is it fuelled by hatred towards us. Bears have never sat and listened to a clip of Andrew Tate, joined incel forums or stabbed and raped us mercilessly.

While undoubtedly dangerous, the bear’s intentions are clear and, in many ways, easier to prepare for than the duplicitous nature of men. Women know how to defend against a bear—they can use precautions, create distance, or use bear spray.

But what about the man who claims to love you while simultaneously wielding the power to cause unimaginable harm?

Always stick together, check your car before you get into it, don’t walk alone at night, don’t have headphones on when alone, don’t wear a ponytail, don’t leave your drink unattended.

The idea that women after me, will still have the same words drilled into them haunts me.

Years ago, men were seen as protectors, but now we carry pepper spray and alarm devices to protect us from them.

On TikTok, I’ve seen comments like:

• ‘If I survive, I won’t have to see the bear at family reunions.’

• ‘The worst thing the bear can do is kill me.’

• ‘No one will say I liked the bear attack.’

• ‘The bear sees me as a human being.’

• ‘People would believe me if I said a bear attacked me.’

• ‘The bear wouldn’t rape me first.’

• ‘No one would ask what I was wearing if the bear attacked me.’

• ‘I’ve never had a bear attempt to drug my drink.’

What we are seeing, is a society that not only encourages femicide and violence towards women, but victim blames.

I’d argue, even the bear would run from the man.

Let’s do a little case study…

On Monday 2 September 2024, Dominique Pelicot went on trial for allegedly drugging his wife, Gisele Pelicot, and allowing dozens of strangers to rape her.

The 71-year-old man, a former employee of France’s state-owned power utility EDF, is the main suspect, however 50 men, recruited online, are also being tried.

Police have documented 92 rapes committed by 72 men. The men, aged between 26 and 74, are accused of raping the 72-year-old woman, who was so heavily sedated that she was unaware of the abuse, spanning over a decade.

“They treated me like a rag doll, like a garbage bag… I no longer have an identity. I don’t know if I’ll ever rebuild myself.”

Gisele is a hero and has helped to shift the stigma surrounding sexual violence and women as victims. Her story is a stark reminder of why women fear men. We don’t have to be freshly 18, drunk, in a short skirt to be a victim. Ultimately, men will do whatever they want.

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), approximately 1 in 3 women worldwide have experienced physical and/or sexual violence in their lifetime, mostly by an intimate partner. This is not just a statistic; it's a chilling reminder that for many women, their safety is compromised by those who are often closest to them.

According to the latest statistics from the Office for National Statistics (ONS), in the year ending March 2022, an estimated 1.6 million women experienced domestic abuse. That's an outrageously high number, and what’s even more shocking is that it represents a 7% increase from the previous year! A staggering 52% of all women killed in England and Wales were killed by a partner or ex-partner. Let that sink in—over half of women murdered didn’t just face violence; they faced it from someone who claimed to love them.

Let’s not forget that domestic violence is just one facet of the spectrum of violence against women. The horrific reality is that 1 in 4 women will experience some form of sexual assault during their lifetime. Alarmingly, in 2021 alone, 213,000 women reported sexual assaults, with only about 2% of these cases resulting in a conviction. These numbers illustrate a criminal justice system that is not only failing victims but actively contributing to a culture of fear and silence.

These figures are not isolated incidents; they reflect a culture steeped in silence and stigma. Women are often discouraged from speaking out due to fears of not being believed, victim-blaming, or being ostracised. The #MeToo movement shed light on countless stories of harassment and assault, but it also highlighted just how deeply embedded misogyny is in societal structures. The pervasive fear of retaliation keeps many women from reporting their experiences, allowing violence against women to thrive in the shadows.

It’s time for a hard, unflinching look in the mirror. We cannot continue to ignore the systemic failures that allow violence against women to persist. It's not enough to teach women self-defence or empowerment; we must also dismantle the cultural and institutional frameworks that condone or ignore male violence. The World Economic Forum's Global Gender Gap Report 2021 indicates that gender parity will take another 135.6 years to close—an unjust timeframe for women living under the threat of violence.

Let’s address an uncomfortable truth: our culture still largely revolves around patriarchal structures that normalize male aggression and diminish the severity of violence against women. The phrase “boys will be boys” has been weaponized to excuse abusive and aggressive behaviour, sending a clear message that male accountability is far less than that of women.

The reality is that societal attitudes foster an environment in which men are often not held accountable for their actions. When high-profile cases of sexual violence receive light sentences or are dismissed outright, we are showing women that their suffering is trivialized, reinforcing their fear that they won’t be believed or protected.

In a world that continues to grapple with violence against women, the metaphor of choosing a bear over a man highlights a grave truth: women feel more secure in the face of primal danger than in the shadow of manipulated intimacy. This isn't a ‘dramatic trend’, but a reflection of consistent dangerous environments, trauma, continuous violent crimes and social conditioning.

And what about when women speak out? We’ve all seen the repercussions. When women report violence, they risk not only disbelief but also victim-blaming. ‘What were you wearing?’ or ‘You should have known better.’ These are the insidious questions that keep women from coming forward and discourage many from seeking help. The societal stigma regarding victims of violence is astronomical, and it’s so deeply rooted in our culture that it feels insurmountable.

It's crucial to highlight the role toxic masculinity plays in this epidemic. Socialisation teaches many boys that aggression is a sign of strength and that dominance over women is a validation of their masculinity. The hashtag #NotAllMen is often thrown around dismissively, but while it may be true that not all men are violent, the overwhelming statistics confirm that most of the violence against women is perpetrated by men. This doesn’t mean we should demonise all men, but it does mean we need constructive conversations to dismantle these harmful norms that perpetuate fear.

So, what can be done?

1. Education and Awareness Campaigns: Implement comprehensive education programs in schools to teach consent, healthy relationships, and the importance of respect for all genders.

2. Strengthen Legal Frameworks: Advocate for more robust laws and regulations that specifically address violence against women, ensuring adequate punishment for perpetrators.

3. Support Services Funding: Increase funding for shelters, hotlines, and counselling services for survivors of violence, ensuring they have access to necessary resources.

4. Community Engagement Initiatives: Create community programs that engage men and boys as allies in the fight against gender-based violence, promoting positive masculinity.

5. Bystander Intervention Training: Equip the community with skills to intervene safely when witnessing acts of harassment or violence, fostering a culture of accountability.

6. Improved Reporting Mechanisms: Enhance the sensitivity and accessibility of reporting processes for victims, ensuring they feel safe and supported in coming forward.

7. Public Safety Enhancements: Increase the presence of law enforcement in high-risk areas and promote safety measures like better street lighting and surveillance.

8. Workplace Policies: Encourage organizations to implement and enforce strict anti-harassment policies, along with training for employees on recognizing and addressing misconduct.

9. Empowerment Programs: Develop programs aimed at empowering women through self-defence classes, leadership training, and financial independence initiatives.

10. Cultural Change Initiatives: Promote media representations that challenge stereotypes about gender roles and highlight positive examples of male allies standing against violence.

The hope is that one day, the thought of encountering a bear won’t seem like a better option than being with a man. But until then, we must continue to listen, support, and advocate for change. Women deserve a world where they can walk freely and safely among men without the threat of violence lurking in the shadows.

The bear experiment shouldn’t make you angry. Instead, it should make you stop and think. The fact that gender-based violence makes men uncomfortable, further shows why it needs to be frequently discussed. If women are strong enough to brave a bear alone in the woods, then surely men can muster up the courage to work on becoming a man that we’d feel safer with.

This blog post was written in full support of Gisele Pelicot (thank you for publicly sharing your story), and the millions of women who have been subject to violent or sexual abuse. I promise to fight for you, every day.